Wednesday, November 23, 2011

DIViji: It's Hard(ware) Out Here for a Pimp

I was just trying to rinse out my wine glass when I heard them.  The cupboards. Pleading.  "Psst, what's a cabinet have to do to get some bling up in this kitch?"  Viji heard them too, so we headed to Home Depot for the shiniest knobs and handles we could find.

The process of installing hardware on your kitchen cabinets seems pretty straightforward.  However, there are some serious pointers that they don't take the time to tell you at the Home Depot.  Don't worry.  Viji and I have your back, Twinkles.  

#1.  If you have young kids let them do the measuring and marking.  No need to check their work.  A cockeyed drawer pull can be a beautiful beacon of disappointment for years to come.  The boy wants a new bike?  Deep sigh and stare sadly at the severely off center drawer pull that he was in charge of.  The girl is begging for a $500 prom dress?  Stick your face in the container of onions, put a hand on each of the crooked cabinet handles that she marked, and sob with your face towards the countertop, "Why!  Why!"  

#2.  Don't bother to check if there is anything behind the door or drawers before you drill.  It ruins the game if you do.  One point for hitting the frame of the cabinetry.  Two points for knocking over a glass.  Five points for penetrating a food item.  If you can make that violated food item spin on the end of the drill bit then it is an instant win.  Pour yourself a glass and let the loser finish the job.

#3.  It is always best to install the hardware late in the evening when you are exhausted or inebriated.  Even better if you are both.   How else would you stumble across the fact that the handles look just as exquisite inside the cabinets as they do outside?  Gorgeous. You have to pull the doors shut too, right?

#4.  When drilling the holes, switch off the drilling duties when you are working as a team.  Drill a hole and pass it on.  Then, the next morning you can try and guess who drilled what holes.  It works best if there is a good height difference between drillers, so that some holes are obviously drilled 'in' while other holes are noticeably drilled 'up.'

Are you anxious to see the finished product?!  Don't be.  We didn't have any obvious 'beacons of disappointment' and switched the inside handle back to the outside.

There really is that one set of handles that is a little off though.  I asked that cupboard if he was pissed about it.  "Beezy, please...Why you all up in my grill?  How about you make that badunkadunk useful and put some of that Jack Daniels on the second shelf for your homie."

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