Friday, April 27, 2012

He's Too Classy For This Shower

It's {more than} a boy...

It's a Sophisticated Gentleman.

Bow ties and mustaches are all the rage these days, so when it was time to start planning a co-ed shower for Jen and Jeff we threw a top hat in with the bows and mos and labeled the theme Sophisticated Gentleman.  And by "we" I mean three of Jen and Jeff's classiest friends...and then me.

The rules from Jen were simple: fun, people drinking, and I wasn't allowed to go over the top.

You read that correctly.  There is no 'we' in that 'I.'

The message was specific, "Don't let Heidi go over the top."

Is it over the top to have little bow ties plastered on all the drink options?

No way.

Over the top to sprinkle the decor with a few of the couples baby photos?

Since I used frames from my wall at home, this is a clear No.

Over the top to make cupcake pinwheels and cut out a few Special K bars into mustache shapes?

Well, depending on the pers...Naaah, we're still good.

Over the top to make custom baby game card sheets?

Yes, you're right.  I completely ignored Jen's last rule.

Not only that, but we played the least classy shower game of them all.  I tried to put lipstick on the pig by calling it 'Name That Bum Loaf' instead of 'The dirty diaper candy bar game' but its nasty with any name.

At least competition was fierce.  Most of the guys hadn't played before and were so very intrigued.  One even took a lick down the middle of his diaper.

Um, you know those get passed around right?

Disgustingly fantastic.

We also did the Name that Tune with the word baby in it, but called it 'Name That Grinder.'  I felt like that title lent itself to more of a club atmosphere.  You could even earn extra points for dancing inappropriately in front of the group.

The winning team took home CDs with the full versions of all the songs.

Those lucky bastards.

The games wrapped up with a baby bottle beer chugging contest. And more prizes.

What a sight to see.  I hope that it is introduced at the London Olympics.

In the end, Jen was happy, Jeff was happy and the bow tied tequila was empty, so the rest of us were happy.

And yes, the diaper cake was full of booze too.  Just like Leah's. I will never make one without it again.

Wait, what?  You're confused because beer chugging and licking out diapers isn't something a sophisticated gentleman would do?  Hold up.  I said HE is going to be sophisticated. Not WE.

His chance of awesomeness is irrefutable with these parents.

 Maybe with a little uncouth in him just from knowing me.

Monday, April 23, 2012

Genius: Jason Lee

The Great Debate: Is it ever OK to Duct tape your kids to the wall?


Yes, it is.

Jason Lee is a wedding photographer by day and a dad to Kristin and Kayla by day, night and in between.  He started the visually ravishing Kristin and Kayla blog in 2006.  Some of the blog pics are moments in time for the girls, but most are priceless treasures.

Treasures like Bored At Work

The Year in Pictures videos he does are almost too much for me to handle.


Photoshopping your kid's head stuck in a turkey?


Now, who can I get to let my 'babysit' their kids next week?

via: Bored Panda

Wednesday, April 18, 2012

Patty Melt

July in Arizona is the best time to do outdoor construction projects.  I'm serious.  You sweat off extra water weight -- your vitamin D levels shoot through the roof -- your life flashes in those fantastic moments when you go blind on the ladder with your drill bit half crammed into the main beam because the sweat pouring down your forehead just dumped a load of 150 proof sunblock into your eyes.  It is so magical.

I speak from experience, because we spent July 2011 building a new back patio covering.

I don't have a 'before' picture with the old rotting covering because I ripped it down in a tornado of terror back in 2007.  You will have to settle for this bare covering snap from one of our luxurious backyard BBQs. This must have been when I ran inside quick to grab another bottle of Cristal and more foie grais.

There is still a small scar on my right arm from that tornado of terror incident when I was assaulted by a beam of rusty nails.

I blame Anthony.

He should know that when I said "Our patio covering is starting to fall apart on its own.  Can we just tear it down and start planning a new one?" that I really meant "Listen. I'm home today and I really want to tear this bitch down. We've got ladders, various sizes of hammers and multiple tools that you can plug in to make sharp things spin. Mama wants to tear shit up."

90% was down by the time he got home from work, including the beam that tried to drag my with it on its death plummet.  And yes, my tetanus shot was up to date.

That's right.  Anthony said that I could start using his first name in the blog.  But, let's be real, you already knew his name was Anthony.  Because what other name would fit the person that texts you about how he is going to shit in a coworkers garbage can?  

Sean? No way.
Brandon? Nope.
Keith? Well, Keith might. But, it wouldn't be because all the stalls were full.

Did you do the math on this timeline? Patio covering came down in 2007 and the new one went up in 2011. Here's what you missed in between:

2007: Heidi fills out the building permit forms, puts on a V-neck shirt and a short skirt and heads downtown Phoenix to the city building.  Her droopies, pasty legs and cellulite have never sealed a deal before, but she is convinced that this time will be the first.  She returns home with a 'denied' stamp and shattered dreams.

2008-2009: Anthony works feverishly on Google Sketch Up to plan out all the patio details down to the very size of screw to use.

2010: Anthony and Heidi head back to City Hall with new and improved forms for a building permit.  Heidi wears her black Columbia fuzzy jacket and black work out pants without showering that morning.  During the process the city employee dismisses himself to go speak with "the chief engineer in back" three times.  Heidi and Anthony assume that there is a throne in the other room for said engineer with at least five maidens rubbing his feet and lifting the Dr. Pepper bottle with a straw to his lips.  They know they are right. Plans approved.  Oh, and the maidens bring him a bucket to poop in so he doesn't have to leave the throne.

2011: Details worked out with the lumber yard for supply order.  Anthony wants to delay one week because there is a high chance for monsoon rain and he doesn't want the wood damaged.  Heidi bursts into tears slobbering something about this one week is going to turn into another four years without a finished patio covering.  She continues her irrational breakdown for somewhere between ten minutes and an hour.  It is ugly.  

Wood arrives two weeks later.  Heidi apologizes again.

Catch up complete.  I may have left out of few Heidi meltdowns from 2009-2010 just for the sake of brevity.

Anthony printed off and attached the labels. Again, you already knew that.  Like emergency trash can dumpers, the name Anthony is also synonymous with meticulous wood organization.

I applied Thompson's Water Seal to every piece of wood. Every side.

Gluing and clamping started just days later.

"Maybe you should stop and remeasure that again so that we can make sure it is perfect" is something that I never said during the building process.

You can watch it construct itself in the video below.  It is from the vantage point of the lawn chair that I sat in the whole time while I watched.

Don't give me that.  It is midweek right now.  How else were you going to spend that 1 minute and 41 seconds?

Phew.  Now the door is open for me to start sharing about the weed growth in the backyard.  Thank God I don't need to consult 'the chief engineer in back' about those.

Monday, April 9, 2012

DIViji: Every Rose Has Its Thorn

I think we've talked about this several times before. The fact that I often don't stop to think about the process or the journey.  I jump head first into the destination.

That happened again at Viji's.

When we were planning out the nook area in her bedroom, I thought it would be a pleasing touch to blow up some of her flower pictures and work them to perfectly match the wall color. The wall photos looked so cosmopolitan in our Photoshop rendering below.

Dear Future Heidi,
Just because it is easy to coordinate something in Photoshop does not mean that it will be easy in real life.
Likes to Get Things Right the First Time Heidi

It took several rounds of sample photos...

...brought to Viji's to verify it with her wall color and lighting.

I had a paint color sample at my house, but Stresses About Things Heidi didn't feel like she could get a good enough read on it unless she had two feet in Viji's love den.

After the coloring was worked out, we cut pieces of hardboard into 24-inch squares.  And when I say 'we' I mean Mr. Schatze.

Then I used flat black spray paint to cover all the edges.

Side note: I got carded at Home Depot when I was buying the spray paint.  It felt good.  Regardless of the senility of the dinosaur that asked to see my ID.

Next, I cut the photos down to size with my rotary cutter.  

Please don't tell my mom that I used a fabric cutting tool to cut paper.

Mr. Schatze was a huge help when we adhered the photos to the boards.  I gave the photo and its wood partner each a good coat of spray adhesive and he guided the photos onto the right spot.  Definitely a two person job when your photos are 24 inches square.

After the adhesive had some time to dry, I gave each one a good coat of polyurinestain.

Oops, I'm sorry.  I meant polyurethane.  About five years ago I threw out poly-urine-stain to amuse my husband and it is now in the vernacular at our home.

Quick lesson on our home dialect:

1. To protect furniture and other projects you apply a few coats of polyurinestain.

2. When a seed sprouts in the herb garden it has sperminated.

3. When you put an inappropriate amount of syrup on your pancake, you have molestered it.

I fear that I may have just revealed too much about our bizarre sense of humor.  Focus instead on how nice the photos look at Viji's.

I also fear that Future Heidi is going to be just as reckless as she is today.  Worrying about the process only asphyxirbates the creativity.

Monday, April 2, 2012

Isaac's Crib: He Got Quilted and Rugged

Back at Isaac's Crib we've been working on his new baby blanket.  A baby rag quilt.  A stylish chap needs something snappy on the bed for when he entertains, right?

Jen picked out a smorgasbord of seven different fabrics that we rotary cut into 6 inch squares. Then, laid them out into various patterns before choosing something chevronish.

Jen's sister, Kristin, was visiting and went right to work sewing most of the squares together following the instructions from Jubilee Homespun.  She did a great job and I rediscovered one of my favorite creative activities: sitting back with a cold drink and telling someone else what to do.  So fun.

After the panels were all sewn together it looked like a hot mess.  That's normal.  Jen took it home and did all the snip snipping on the raw edges.  That's the hardest part.

What?  Yeah, you're right.  I really didn't do much.  But, it was still exhausting being the slave driver.

Instead of using cotton quilt fabric for both sides, we used Minky Cuddle polyester fabric for the back.  We knew it really wouldn't fray, but Jen liked the look of the little tabs too and wanted something uber soft for the back. Isaac is going to be a snuggler.  We just know it.

While I was finishing up the painted stripes on the wall weeks ago, Jen ordered a new area rug for the room from Rugs USA.  At just over $100 for a 5' x 8' rug, it was the right price.  At just a shade under construction caution orange via the internet, it was a risk.

She waited to unroll it until I came over with the quilt.  It's a match, but might actually be a smidge closer to the caution orange than one shade.  It is fun and made the cut to stay.

In this case, it won't be caution, construction zone. It will be:

Caution, Cutie McCharmer zone. You won't be able to say no.